SO since I've moved up here to the country, Stef, myself and another neighbor has planted a 10,000 square foot garden. Cannot remember at this point if I've blogged on that before since it's been so long so I've posted anything and the posts I've done are few and far between.

I am feeling the need to share two things today so bear with me as I get some stuff off my chest.

It seems lately my spiritual life has been in a rut. On hold. Stuck in a pothole. Caught in a spiritual winter. However you want to describe it. I have glimpses of the top of the hole and feel like kilroy peeking over the side but somehow I always end up back in the bottom of it. I just feel like I’m totally missing something. And I feel like I’m skimping out on God. I am not sure anymore that even those around me know how “spiritual” (for lack of a better word), faith-filled or God-fearing I really am inside. So Randy, my wonderful, inspirational, motivating brother, and I made a pact a few weeks back. We were talking of this holding pattern and he said - just wait, it’s coming. You are going to have a Halleluiah! Moment and when you do, just text me with the word Halleluiah!

I texted Randy this morning.

I’m reading a new book, Crazy Love. It is actually my boss’s book and it’s on CD so I'm really listening to it. I’m only on the second chapter but it’s already made a big impact. In reading it, I think I’ve realized what the heck my problem is and it’s going to be really, really hard to actually say it out loud (or type it even). But I’m going to try because I want this part of the post to be for my brother to read. Of course, anybody else is more than welcome to read it, but I just need to “talk” to Randy about it and this is the best way I can do that right now without fear that I’ll chicken out or leave part of it out.

My faith has never wavered. I’ve always believed in a higher being and I gave my life to Christ in March of 1992. I have never regretted that decision. Ever. I have questioned Him, yelled at Him, loved Him, ignored Him, pushed Him away, cried out to Him, ignored Him, clung to Him, prayed to Him and hung on as tight as I could to Him. My life has had its problems since then but I thank God that I had Him in my life to carry me through those times. But it just seems like in the last few years something has been wrong. Seriously wrong. I don’t think I could put my finger on it until this morning. Ugh, so here it goes.

I was having a problem with this idea of “surrendering” to God or living only for Him - that this is what I was meant for or this is why I am here. I mean, really. C'Mon. I was having an issue with thinking God was so arrogant or self-centered as to say mankind was here to serve Him. And I was outraged at myself for thinking like that. Who am I to question Him or think He is arrogant and self-centered? And then I wanted to step aside in case a lightning bolt slammed down on me and fried my neurons (kidding). All jokes aside, I was TORN UP inside not understanding everything but still had this growing sense that God was awfully conceited to “think the world revolves around Him”.

This morning, listening to that book I realized….DUH. IT DOES, YOU DORK! And the author describes it in such a way that it was like that lightning bolt really did hit me in the head but it was a wake up call. And it is not conceited of Him to know that all living things are here to serve Him, He made us. He gave us life. Imagine - (this is my analogy) your 13 year old child living in the house you work so hard to pay for, eating the food you labor to put on the table for him, wearing the clothes you painstakingly picked out and paid for, playing with the games you lovingly gave him and he has the audacity to not appreciate any of it, but instead pushes you away and says whatever, I’ll do what I want. It’s like that with God. He made all of this, He made the world in which we live, He gave us the food we eat, He bestowed upon us all the gifts this universe has to offer and I have the audacity to not appreciate any of it but instead push Him away and say whatever, I’ll do what I want? Dude, I know you’re probably reading this thinking, “uhhh yeah? I knew this already” but I don’t think I “got that” until this morning. I understand now. I. understand. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my heart knowing that deep down I don’t think God is conceited, arrogant and self-centered anymore. It is truly, truly hard to even broadcast that I thought that for so long but I can’t move on without realizing that and realizing I was wrong…so very, very wrong.

As I said, I’m only on the second chapter so I’m hoping against hope I will have more Halleluiah! Moments, and soon. God is good and I feel like singing the Halleluiah Chorus at the top of my lungs, but I think I'll wait 'til the car ride home. I don't think my coworkers would appreciate that very much.

And my second thought I wanted to share….today is the start of one of my most favorite times of the year. I saw the first Fireworks tent of the season and (while listening to my book and having a Halleluiah! Moment) it dawned on me that I love summer and all that summer implies.

Have a great day!! Halleluiah! Halleluiah!....

Holy Moses, it's been awhile. QUITE a while. I guess time flies when you don't know what you're doing. I would say "I've been busy" which is very much the truth but sounds so cliche that I'm not going to use it, especially since I'm sure there were some down times over the last two months that I could have sat down and blogged. Truth be known, when I did have time I either a) didn't want to. b)didn't even think about it. or c) I don't think there is a c, I just didn't want to or didn't think about it. Anyway, here I am. Finally updating. Hopefully I still have some readers.

Last time I blogged was about my swap, which was SO very much fun but I was sick. And to be honest, I am still not completely 100%. It took forever to even feel as good as I am now and I still have an awful, awful cough which is worse at night. It seems I'm back to normal for all but that. Well, normal is a term that has not always been used synonymously with my name, but for all intents and purposes, we'll use "normal" as we do "well". It's slow going but I'm getting there.

Matthew will be here Friday and is staying until August!! We are all so very excited. We're not sure if Drew will make it this year but we are hopeful.

Rob got laid off a few weeks ago but we are part of the lucky ones. And, of course, I don't think it's "luck" as much as it is "God's Plan". With our move and the amount of reduction in outgoing expenditures, and with Rob being a Union member, we are okay. I know my Landlord will probably not evict me if I'm late, and Rob will be getting unemployment, which if you are Union is alot different. He'll get regular unemployment plus a supplement from the Union Hall...so, with him not having to fill up his gas tank 2 1/2 times a week and not paying child support (at the moment, of course), we may actually come out even. I'm sure child support will kick back in once he goes back to work or once Matthew goes back to Arizona, but for now, it's a big break for us. And with as much time as he's put in, we will not lose our health insurance for over a year. Again, we are "lucky".

The good thing is...through all of this drama, and sickness, and craziness that is my life, I can honestly say there has not many times in my life that I have been happier. I'm just plain happy. Yep, I still hate my job. Yep, I still have problems but instead of worrying about all that could happen or has happened or will happen, I'm trusting that God has my back. And I'm cool with that. He's led us to it, He'll get us through it.

SO...hello blog. I am back. I hope it won't be forever until I post again but in the event that it takes a while, just know that I may be busy, or I may not want to, or I may not be thinking about it. :)

A peek inside the box...A note from Mindy on a DAISY! My very favorite flower....and then I realized she'd made the card AND taken the photo of the daisy! A CD of Mamma Mia! I have yet to see the movie but I will be listening to this soon! I love ABBA!Apparently, Mindy also loves purses, totes, bags and wallets. Isn't this little bag an absolute gem?
And a journal! I used to journal (manually) a long time ago, but haven't done so since the inception of my blog so I'm excited to start writing in it!

I think these are my favorite! LOOK at these cards!!! She MADE them! They are absolutely beautiful, and the photos are all hers, too! Mindy - I just moved into a new home and I'm actually thinking of framing these and putting them on my wall! And a book! Another "favorite" thing we have in common. I can't wait to start reading this one.

As we speak (or as I type), my treasures are covering the bed and I am so excited. Mindy and I share alot of favorite things...I just hope she enjoys the things I sent her as much as I am enjoying what she sent me! Mindy - let me know when you get it! It should be to you tomorrow!!

And for those of you that are wondering where I've been since I haven't blogged in a month, I'm digging out of a mountain of boxes after our move. So in other words, I've been "nesting". To say I love it here would be a gross understatement. I have completely unpacked my kitchen stuff and I still have 4 empty cabinets! And it's so QUIET. Especially at night. I'm not being jarred awake at 3am by screaming in the street anymore....photos to come, I promise. But for now, y'all...I'm off to my sickbed.

So it's late and I'm sitting here wanting to blog something but not really sure of what I want to say. Funny thing though, as I got on to see if anyone had commented I found out 1) I have a new follower...YAY!!! Not only do I stalk but I love to be stalked also! Welcome Stacy! No wait, not that you are a stalker but I love to be read 2) I really love all the songs on my playlist. Just in case you didn't know, each song was hand selected by me as a song that truly has significance to me, whether it's that it brings back a memory, I can play it or its just poignant to me. I love LOVE music so this little playlist you hear as you read my blog is actually a little piece of my heart. If you ever want to know what one of the songs mean to me or why it was included, just ask me. Maybe someday I'll just make a list of each one with an explanation. Who knows.

Also, gotta tell you just in case I hadn't announced it to the everyone, my mom's biopsy results came back negative. AMEN! We were concerned she was having a recurrence of breast cancer in a different form (Paget's) but it turns out it is nothing and I cannot even begin to type how very very much I am relieved. It took over two weeks to get the results, with several phone calls from me to the doctors office, to mom, back to the doctors office, to my sisters, to the doctors office, to mom....but we got them.

Ok, I'm off. Quick update for you and a resurrection of the smile list
1. Good music
2. The end of a Monday
3. Connecting with old friends
4. Making new friends
5. Happy children

In my own mind, I imagine folks dropping in on my blog and reading with great enthusiasm - my witty comments and great writing ability – I know I know, keep dreaming. I think in reality I just have a handful of readers (one is my mother and two are my sisters so reading my blog for them is a pre-requisite). I LOVE to read about other people, though. I’m sure by now you all realize I’m a closet blog stalker. I have a few blogs I read every day. Every once in a while I will elude to something I read on one or something that really caught my attention. Recently, I’ve actually come out of the closet on some – either on purpose or through friends and it’s actually quite liberating!

In the middle of these that I follow relentlessly is AbFab Geek (speaking of witty comments and great writing ability!) Her link is on my blogroll and I love to read about her little family of geeks. (Sidebar: Mrs. Geek, I need to know the painter that created the GREAT murals on middle geek's wall! Can he create a Arizona Cardinals Logo for me??) Anyway, she did a ME interview on her blog and I decided I wanted to do one too. She e-mailed me my questions yesterday – so here you have it. My ME interview - going back to that all-in-my-head theory that I have thousands of silent blog stalkers of my own that want to know more.

1. What made you decide to come out of the stalker closet?
I actually have wanted to comment many times since she and I are technically business neighbors and she’s right across the parking lot from my work but just never did. The ME interview looked fun and I thought, what the heck. I’ll become an unconcealed follower.

2. Is your brother still ministering to the homeless, if so tell me the most interesting part of it.
Yes, Randy is still ministering to the homeless. His website, www.misfitsforjesus.com is a great source of information of his ministry. The most interesting part of it, for me, is to see how it has changed Randy. He has a gift for helping these folks. He truly is a very special man and his heart reaches out to these lost souls but I think it mends the broken parts of his own soul. If that makes any sense at all.

3. What was the first car you owned and did you sell it or total it?
My first car was given to me by my sister, Stef. It was a red 1980 Pontiac Sunbird and I LOVED THAT CAR. When I left for college, I gave it back to Stef who in turn sold it, I think. Mom wouldn’t allow me to take it to college with me.

4. What do you own that you have had since childhood and why have you kept it?
The thing that means the most is a plaque with the Serenity Prayer on it. I think the story is that my Grammy gave it to me and when my niece was born, I gave it to her to be hung in her room. When she died, Stef gave it back to me and it sits on my bedside table so I always remember to: Ask God for the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I also have a little pink bunny (about 2 inches tall) that I got for Easter when I was probably 8 or 9. Randy named it Jeffro and I can’t really say why I’ve kept it. I just love little Jeffro, I guess.

5. What is the worst job you have ever had and why?
Gosh. I’ve had so many. I worked at Papa Johns for 4 hours. That in itself has to be some sort of record. The worst was KFC. I worked there for 4 days, I think. I HATE TO PEEL POTATOES. I.hate.it. On my fourth day there, they brought me 50 pounds of potatoes to peel. UGH. So I peeled them, begrudgingly of course, thinking I can do this, I can do this… I got them all done and they brought me in another 50 pounds. I quit.

There you have it. My ME interview!

If you want to participate, these are the rules:
1. If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment that says "Interview me".
2. I will respond by emailing you 5 questions (I get to choose the questions). Make sure you leave me your e-mail address.
3. Update your blog with the answers to the questions and let me know when you have posted it.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When other comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

One of my latest blog stalkees, http://www.ourdandelionwishes.com/, played a fun game where she had to list her 10 favorite things that begin with the letter C. I decided I wanted to play too, so she assigned me the letter M and I did it as she did, with photos.

MOTHER!

My mother is my number one fan! She is one of my best friends and I couldn’t have a list of my favorite things without listing her first, no matter what the letter. I guess I got lucky that it was M!

My Men!

Another one that my favorites list would be incomplete without. My daddy is the greatest daddy in the world! And I cannot imagine my life without Robbie. I love hanging out with him, building stuff, playing pool or just snugglin!
MY place!

The Lot! My most favorite place in the entire world to be. Some have called it a “God-Forsaken Hell Hole” but to me, it’s pure heaven.

Milkduds!

I love Milkduds. Always have. They remind me of Halloween as a kid when I first fell in love with them. I’m not a chocolate lover but I love Milkduds.

Mysteries!

I am an avid reader; I’m never without a book (or three) that I’m reading. I love a good mystery about as much as anybody. Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple – and all the rest!

Make-Up!

I don’t wear a whole lot of it anymore but I love browsing the make-up aisle or getting new stuff to try. I know, out of character for self-proclaimed NON GIRLY status, but it’s so much fun!

Microsoft Office Excel!

Yep – I am a Geek. I can’t help it. I’ve read the “Excel Bible” cover to cover. It sucked me in from page 1.

Mail!

Getting mail. Not e-mail so much as regular mail. And of course not the kind that says ‘Balance Due’. The personal kind that I got a lot more of prior to the invention of e-mail.
Mashed Potatoes!

I’m a freak for mashed potatoes. We got to Ponderosa occasionally and the kids get their ice-cream for dessert – they now call Mashed Potatoes “mom’s ice cream” because rather than dipping out the vanilla, I’m back in line for the spuds!

Music!

Whether listening to it or making it. I cannot live without my music.
TADA! That was fun! If any of you readers, all 2 of you would like a letter, just comment or e-mail me at catrinarking@yahoo.com!

Ok, E! I'm doing it too! Looks life fun!

I have been following a blog about a lady who lost her 14-month-old baby girl to a very, very tragic accident. Her honesty and heartfelt grief are so real but she maintains her hope in God and her Faith does not waiver. Even though most of her posts seem so sad as she copes with this tremendous loss in her life, it’s actually very inspirational to me because she never doubts God. She relies on Him completely to get her through and continues to praise Him for the victories in her life.

She recently talked of a Sunday school message where the class discussed 2 John and they were asked which was easier to believe, God’s Truth or the love of Jesus through God’s Truth. She said most of the class said the love was easier than the truth. I think I was on the other side. For me, it is God’s Truth that is easier to believe. I have never doubted that the Bible is His Word and is completely true. I have never doubted that what He promises in the Bible will come to fruition. I have never doubted that He will take care of me. When I do doubt (which is often), it’s usually about how anyone, especially the Creator of the universe, can love me enough…like God’s/Christ’s love for me.

Ok, I know that was deep for my first post back after several weeks but it’s been brewing in my mind for a while. I seem to be in the thinking cycle of my heart. I think a lot lately, about a lot of stuff. I remember a quote from the movie Legends of the Fall…” Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends.” Let’s just hope I don’t become crazy (if I’m not already!)

So to lighten things up a bit, I’ll tell you of my great adventures in painting. Randy, Oh Randy, HOW do you do that day in and day out? I painted Lizzie’s room in the new house Saturday. I started at 11am and did not finish until 9:30 pm. With no break. I did emerge from my color palette once in a while for a drink or bathroom break, but for the most part, I stayed focused. She picked out a very neat comforter and we matched the colors to it. Two walls are green, two walls are purple and the window coverings are blue. I have a photo of one corner of the room taken from my cell phone. I’ll have to get better pictures with the big camera once I’m not cross-eyed and my right bicep has unknotted.

This is an impromptu post. Meaning, normally I do a post and type it all up nice and neat in Word beforehand so I can somewhat sorta do a spellcheck and try to act like I might know a bit about the English language. But not tonight. Tonight I am posting without comforts of spellcheck or Word although I'm sure its available somewhere on here, this new computer. But I don't much feel like searching for it. This is one of those up close and unplugged blogs and even as I am typing this, I'm doubting it will get published-just becase I haven't proofread it.

But I have to let loose of some things on my heart.

First - I figured out F-A-M-I-L-Y. We are the ones who know each others stories. Is that not true? My oldest boys were here over the holiday weekend and wanted me to recant the stories of A) a wreck I'd had B) of Sams birth or C) of some other story that I realized in the telling...these are my family members. They SHARE my story. My F-A-M-I-L-Y are the ones who already know these stories and still revel in the re-telling of them. My true family was there. It is their story too, is it not?

I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mama has stories that my aunties know that in the re-telling I would undoubtedly understand but lose the luster because I wasn't there.

And one other thing. I think I finally have what my mama has, and what my sisters have and what my brother has. I have found my soulmate. I married him almost 6 years ago but he is honestly my soul mate. How come he so knows what I want even before I know I want it? How come he is so willing to put me ahead of him? Oh, did the Lord know what he was doing when He made that man for me.

There is so much more on my heart right now, but time reigns. I just wish everyone who reads my blog to know God's love. To know that even though you stumble and fall, God truly does know what you need. And He is truly mindful of your wants too. Trust Him.

I had a birthday Wednesday. I normally do not mind it coming and going, getting a year older usually because it’s New Years Eve and it’s all a big fun day. But this year, I’m feeling a little more philosophical about the whole thing – a bit more introspective. I will be 40 in just two short years. When I look back over the last 38 years, I did not expect to be where I am at this stage in my life. Granted, this stage is not bad but it’s not what I anticipated and that’s ok.

New Years Day I watched some made for TV movie on Lifetime, I’m not even sure of the name but in it, the main character was 29 and came across an old letter she’d written to herself as a teenager and it included a list of 7 things she wanted to accomplish before she turned 30. She realized she had not completed anything on her list. This is one of those movies I would normally be ashamed to admit I watched all the way through but this is also the kind of character and dilemma I can relate with so I was sucked in to the drama.

So, in the fashion of this character, whoever she is, I have decided to make my own list. Not like my “Bucket List” but this is Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 40. I have two years to compete my list and I’m not exactly sure what all it will entail right now. I do know 4 of the things for sure, and the other 3 are just ideas looming…I guess I’ll post them as I think them through. For now – here is my list. This is not a life-altering list of things that I saw myself doing 25 years ago but just stuff I want to do.

1. Lose 100 pounds and keep it off
2. FIND A NEW JOB
3. Get a tragus piercing (that's the thing that sticks out in front of your ear)
4. Get two more tattoos
5.
6.
7.

So there you have it. I’ll post five, six and seven when they are solidly formed in my head. Let me know if you decide to make a similar list...