6/12/2009 09:53:00 AM Posted In Edit This 2 Comments »
I am feeling the need to share two things today so bear with me as I get some stuff off my chest.

It seems lately my spiritual life has been in a rut. On hold. Stuck in a pothole. Caught in a spiritual winter. However you want to describe it. I have glimpses of the top of the hole and feel like kilroy peeking over the side but somehow I always end up back in the bottom of it. I just feel like I’m totally missing something. And I feel like I’m skimping out on God. I am not sure anymore that even those around me know how “spiritual” (for lack of a better word), faith-filled or God-fearing I really am inside. So Randy, my wonderful, inspirational, motivating brother, and I made a pact a few weeks back. We were talking of this holding pattern and he said - just wait, it’s coming. You are going to have a Halleluiah! Moment and when you do, just text me with the word Halleluiah!

I texted Randy this morning.

I’m reading a new book, Crazy Love. It is actually my boss’s book and it’s on CD so I'm really listening to it. I’m only on the second chapter but it’s already made a big impact. In reading it, I think I’ve realized what the heck my problem is and it’s going to be really, really hard to actually say it out loud (or type it even). But I’m going to try because I want this part of the post to be for my brother to read. Of course, anybody else is more than welcome to read it, but I just need to “talk” to Randy about it and this is the best way I can do that right now without fear that I’ll chicken out or leave part of it out.

My faith has never wavered. I’ve always believed in a higher being and I gave my life to Christ in March of 1992. I have never regretted that decision. Ever. I have questioned Him, yelled at Him, loved Him, ignored Him, pushed Him away, cried out to Him, ignored Him, clung to Him, prayed to Him and hung on as tight as I could to Him. My life has had its problems since then but I thank God that I had Him in my life to carry me through those times. But it just seems like in the last few years something has been wrong. Seriously wrong. I don’t think I could put my finger on it until this morning. Ugh, so here it goes.

I was having a problem with this idea of “surrendering” to God or living only for Him - that this is what I was meant for or this is why I am here. I mean, really. C'Mon. I was having an issue with thinking God was so arrogant or self-centered as to say mankind was here to serve Him. And I was outraged at myself for thinking like that. Who am I to question Him or think He is arrogant and self-centered? And then I wanted to step aside in case a lightning bolt slammed down on me and fried my neurons (kidding). All jokes aside, I was TORN UP inside not understanding everything but still had this growing sense that God was awfully conceited to “think the world revolves around Him”.

This morning, listening to that book I realized….DUH. IT DOES, YOU DORK! And the author describes it in such a way that it was like that lightning bolt really did hit me in the head but it was a wake up call. And it is not conceited of Him to know that all living things are here to serve Him, He made us. He gave us life. Imagine - (this is my analogy) your 13 year old child living in the house you work so hard to pay for, eating the food you labor to put on the table for him, wearing the clothes you painstakingly picked out and paid for, playing with the games you lovingly gave him and he has the audacity to not appreciate any of it, but instead pushes you away and says whatever, I’ll do what I want. It’s like that with God. He made all of this, He made the world in which we live, He gave us the food we eat, He bestowed upon us all the gifts this universe has to offer and I have the audacity to not appreciate any of it but instead push Him away and say whatever, I’ll do what I want? Dude, I know you’re probably reading this thinking, “uhhh yeah? I knew this already” but I don’t think I “got that” until this morning. I understand now. I. understand. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my heart knowing that deep down I don’t think God is conceited, arrogant and self-centered anymore. It is truly, truly hard to even broadcast that I thought that for so long but I can’t move on without realizing that and realizing I was wrong…so very, very wrong.

As I said, I’m only on the second chapter so I’m hoping against hope I will have more Halleluiah! Moments, and soon. God is good and I feel like singing the Halleluiah Chorus at the top of my lungs, but I think I'll wait 'til the car ride home. I don't think my coworkers would appreciate that very much.

And my second thought I wanted to share….today is the start of one of my most favorite times of the year. I saw the first Fireworks tent of the season and (while listening to my book and having a Halleluiah! Moment) it dawned on me that I love summer and all that summer implies.

Have a great day!! Halleluiah! Halleluiah!....


Elizabeth said...

We need to have lunch. SOON! Or maybe lunch isn't long enough. Because I have LOTS of hallelujah moments to share with you. God's been working on me too.
I'm happy to read what is going on in your life. I'll pray for more moments like that for you!
P.S. I was hoping the second awesome thing was a new job for you. Darn it.

Stephanie said...

Hallelujah!!!!! I love you Babe, and I know that having to move and having your life disrupted is so hard. However, I am so selfishly happy, because I love having you guys right across the street. My only wish is that Bebe, Randy, and Mom and Dad could live here, too.

And I knew you were struggling, and suspected you were having a hard time letting God do His thing, and doing what He wanted you to. It will all work out just the way God wants it to, and we will obey Him and trust Him, just as we are meant to, even though sometimes it is kicking and screaming. :-)