I have been playing the mental mindset game the last two days. You know what I mean. The one where you really really want to just shout at the top of your lungs “I HATE IT HERE!“ but you rely on the old mantra, “I love my job! I love my job! I love my job!” and just keep repeating it over and over so, hopefully, you will start to believe. It’s just been one of those weeks. But hey, I have a job and I should be thankful so I am. I think today is one of those days I need to post a smile list.

1. Good movies.
2. Good food.
3. Good friends.
4. GREAT weekends.
5. Hope.

So, I know. Short but sweet. I don’t have much time, I’m very busy at work so I’ll have to post more later. It’s not a goodbye, just a ‘til then sendoff. In the meantime…I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job….

My good friend Elizabeth is/was posting her “Our Story” so when her children get older, they will know the true story and unabridged version of how their parents met. I wish I had great stories and photos of when I met Robbie. I don’t have a lot of photo’s of us since I hate HATE having my picture taken and I don't remember most of the details since I don't keep a journal but I decided to do my version of “The Story of Us”

My best friend lives in Springfield and in 2002 rented in a small apartment complex. Jerri was a neighbor that I got to know through Chris and she and I became fast friends. Jerri met Rob (nope, not my Rob(bie)) and they fell in love and then planned their wedding for May 18, 2002. Jerri’s Rob had a son, David, from a previous relationship who was just a bit younger than Lizzie. David and Lizzie were best buddies and since David was to be the ring bearer in the wedding, Jerri asked Lizzie to be the flower girl. At that time, I was in a relationship with a great guy named Steve but deep down knew I didn’t love him. The relationship was headed nowhere fast and I so desperately did not want yet another failure in that department that I was hanging on to it with every shred of dignity and pride I could muster. Steve had decided he did not want to travel to Springfield that weekend for wedding festivities and I was, as usual, disappointed. One of many disappointments in a well-hidden line. But this was probably God throwing in His wisdom.

So Sam, Lizzie and I headed off to Springfield during a torrential downpour on Friday, May 17th and it took forever to get there. By the time I made it through Chris’ front door, I was frazzled and soaked and ready to tear out my hair. I’m sure I looked quite the sight. As we came to the door, Jerri and Chris were there to take our bags, give us towels and welcome us. Jerri then introduced me to her brother that had flown in from Arizona to be an usher in the wedding. His name was Robbie. He was very handsome and very tall. He shook my hand, said “Hi nice to meet you, I don’t feel good, I’m going back to Jerri’s apartment.” Wala. He left. And I thought, ‘well that’s a fine how do you do’. (He apparently had eaten bad Taco Bell and was very sick from it but I didn’t know it at the time and to this day he won’t eat Taco Bell)

I’m sure I have great stories about that time period. Oh - probably like how I threw-up all over him the night after I met him. Or how I was sincerely impressed with the fact that his hand from tip of middle finger to the base of his palm is longer than a long-neck Miller Lite and then I, trying to be funny, asked him if it was true what they say? And he said, "What do they say?" (with an all knowing smirk, of course) and I, realizing what I'd said to an almost stranger, said "Men with big hands have big....gloves." Or how we ran out of alcohol in the middle of the Bachelorette Party and while on the Beerrun I also picked up a Playgirl magazine and he came back from the Bachelor Party just in time to catch three of us girls gawking unabashedly at the Centerfold. Yep, those are great tales to reminisce with the grandkids.

But in all honesty, there were also those moments when I wasn’t being lewd and lascivious that are forever etched in my memory. Like during the rehearsal when I looked up over the tops of the heads of the people in front of me and caught him looking at me and I couldn’t for the life of me look away. Or how during the rehearsal dinner I got stuck in the back between a bunch of people and he offered to get Sam and Lizzie refills on their soda since I couldn’t easily get out. Or how I was mortally embarrassed because I elbowed him in the ribs and nearly knocked him out of his chair after he made a joke about the soda refills and I realized he was in the middle of a prayer before he ate his dinner. And how he danced with me at the reception and I found out he was a phenomenal dancer and made me look like I almost knew what I was doing. How he kept giggling at me because I’d bitten my tongue and I kept saying ‘my tongue hurth’. And how he talked about his boys and how much he loved them and missed them. That part impressed me most of all, I think. The look he got when he talked about his kids. And how very much I wished I could stay in Springfield and get to know him better but had decided I needed to go home and work out the relationship I was in. And I truly tried. About a week after I got home, I wanted to talk about my misgivings and see if there was chance to work this thing out and when I said, “I’m not happy”, Steve packed his stuff up and moved out. Nothing about ‘what can we do’ or ‘I’m ready to do whatever it takes’. That was it. He moved out. End of that chapter.

I talked to Robbie a few times on the phone after that but not seriously until that July. He had decided to stay in Springfield for a while since he had accumulated a lot of vacation time on his job in Phoenix and then eventually, he officially moved to Springfield. We started talking on the phone. A LOT. He made a few trips up to see me and I went to Springfield to visit him. He told me he was falling in love with me and I think I freaked out. Then gained enough sense to tell him I was falling in love right back but that was after several weeks of the freaking out part.

He was having a hard time finding a good job in Springfield so in October, he moved back to Phoenix. I was more depressed about that than I let on. I knew the statistics of long distance relationships and I knew, too, that I usually ended up in with the statistic side of the crowd so while I was hopeful, I was also realistic.

We continued to talk on the phone even more. It worked out well. He was working at the Arizona Public School systems and could only work after school let out and because it was 2 hours earlier in Phoenix, my nights-free started at 7pm his time so we would sometimes talk until probably 2am. Of course, he was working the entire time but it was a lot of those deep conversations that you can really only get when your only means of communication is on the phone, not face to face and you feel more comfortable telling all your secrets. Probably something like this blog. I keep reading and editing it remembering other people will actually read it.

In March of 2003 he asked if I would come visit him in Arizona. Of course, my initial reaction was no. NO! What would I do with the kids? What would my parents say? And then, it just sort of unfolded. Bebe took the kids for the week, I just said I’m going to Phoenix and then he bought me a plane ticket and on March 27th, 2003 - I went. After several dilemmas, including losing my wallet which included my drivers license that I knew I couldn’t get on the plane without, I boarded from St. Louis International Airport and I headed off in my cute little black knock-em-dead dress. He picked me up and after 6 months, it was like we had never been apart.

He was working about 2 hours out of Phoenix so we had quite a drive and of course, talked the whole way. We got to his hotel in Show Low, Arizona and he was the epitome of a gentleman. He’d had his car brought up from Phoenix even though he had a company truck so I would have a way to get around, he had everything I could want or need right there and I was ready to have a fabulous time. That very first night he told me he had a poem that he had written for me and he wanted to read it to me. It was his story of us, condensed into a poem and it was very funny. At the very end of the poem, his face got red and he said, “I can’t finish it.” My reaction “Hell-O! FINISH IT ALREADY” And after a few hems and haws, he did. It was not at all what I expected. The last line was “Would you do me the honor of being my wife?” I think I choked. I’m sure my jaw hit the floor and for a full one tension filled minute, I just stared owl-eyed. He was the first to recover and explained that was not the reaction he was hoping for. I was still choking, I think. I look back now and think “DUDE – NO BRAINER!” But I was scared. I’d been down that road before and I had been seriously hurt, almost to the point of no recovery. And I’d come back, better than before and vowed to myself I’d never let another human being put me in the position of being so vulnerable, so defenseless and so beaten down that I couldn’t find myself anymore. And as much as I loved Robbie, I didn’t want to go back to that.

It took me two days to realize I wouldn’t be going “back to that”. It took me two days to realize I was staring at the best thing (besides my kids) that could ever happen to me. It took me two days to realize he was my soulmate and he wanted to share his life with me. So while he was 15 feet up on a ladder in a school in Show Low Arizona, I looked up at him, said “By the way.....YES!” and the rest, as they say, is history. We got married 3 months later.

There you have it. I'm sure there are more details and I'm sure I left some out but that's the 'Story of Us'.

Private Eye Babe here, reporting on the growing popularity of a previously mentioned phenomenon hitting Blogworld called…The Meme. My initial investigation has turned up some pretty interesting findings. Apparently blogging and meme’s go together like peas and carrots, or Forrest and Jen-nay. From the American Heritage Dictionary: meme (mēm) n. A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another. To this point, I, too, am asking what the heck does that have to do with blogging. Let me explain further, friends. That definition apparently does not pertain to the blogging type of meme’s. In Blogworld, a meme is an idea or question that is passed among blogs. Say I post a question/statement regarding how you feel about something. An example would be to refer to my AHA blog below and then ask for any personal experiences, etc. You then share your take on it with others by talking about it on your blog, linking to mine and commenting on my post. I could name it something like ‘Tuesday’s Take’. I think even something like Wordless Wednesday would also be considered somewhat of a meme since I’ve seen it repeated on many other blogs. Not that I started that one, I copied it from someone’s blog, probably Elizabeth’s. So there you have it, folks. The meme has been explained. Private Eye Babe, at your service. I need more to investigate. Gimme ideas.

I would also like to do a little plug here for Jillian Michael’s ‘The 30 Day Shred’. It’s a relatively new workout DVD and HOLY COW is it awesome. I am loving it. Thank you, Sabrina, for suggesting it! I am on my second week and already I feel stronger and healthier. Sam and Lizzie are doing it with me, too. We’ll all be toned and firmed up and tight in no time. I have 2 girls at work that I’ve started on it. They like it as much as I do!


Ahhh…it’s Friday. What would be a good Friday Meme. Maybe I should look up what other folks are Memeing about on Friday. I think I saw one a long time ago so I’ll just do this Friday Four. Four things you cannot live without. Or Four things you think you cannot live without. Mine are as follows:

1. My God
2. My Family
3. My books
4. Mashed potatoes

There you have it. My essentials. Have a wonderful weekend and give me your Friday Four.

Did you know that there is a whole big bloggy world out there? You can do give-aways, you can get paid to blog about stuff (Fish Oil People – I want my money!), you can do these meme things ( I don’t know, I’m still researching and will make a full report once my covert mission is accomplished). I was traipsing around the blogworld and came across all these cool blogs where women do crafty things, moms do extraordinary things with their kids or husbands and then they all blog about and comment on each others crafty extraordinary family things. Is this one of those clicky things like high school? You know. OHMYGAWD Beth, look at Jenna’s new parachute pants! Lets go buy some in every color. LIKE, totally. OR is this just another way for women to reach out to other women to cope/deal/manage/empower their daily lives? I have a few blogs I read daily, or when they are updated and I don’t put them on my blogroll because I’m not sure if they would want me to link to them. I guess I could ask. I haven’t asked yet because I would feel like a cyberstalker. Although with my bloggy blinders coming off, I am thinking this would actually be acceptable behavior for me to comment a random blogger with “Hey, love your blog, can I add you to my blogroll?” Maybe I should. I’ll let you know how that one goes too.

I started thinking I might actually like to get into this click. I was never really a click kind of girl. Ok, fine. I had ONE pair of parachute pants. But I’m not sure my blog is what they are looking for. I mean, mine is for my own personal triumphs, failures, struggles. My own personal stuff. I write about whatever is going through my mind that particular day, or I use it as a soapbox to get out my views on things or just to tell the happenstance viewer about my family. I don’t do crafty, I don’t take my kids to every single opportunity thing happening, I’m not in a mom’s club, never caught the scrapbook bug, not really a big social network kind of gal. So I don’t think I am what they are looking for, let alone my blog. Not that I mind. At all. I’ve never been a conformist and I do NOT intend to start now. I do my own thing and if it’s considered IN, then well, fine. If not, well then fine too. I’m not easily swayed by fads or whatever is vogue.

I’m just amazed, though, by this blogworld that I’ve unknowingly been a part of for four years. Was this hype all going on four years ago? I have no idea. Do I want to delve myself into this all consuming world of network-come-self-journalism? I don’t think so. I will continue to post things about my life or my views or my family or the occasional goose or two. I will continue to read the blogs that interest me. I may be so inclined to add an advertisement or two, please reference the blogaholics anonymous icon in the left margin. But I don’t think I’m that ‘in’ to the rest of it. And it’s ok if you are. I thought Jenna looked awesome in her rainbow suite of parachute pants. I really did. But the swish-swish of conformity clamor just wasn’t my style then and it still isn’t.

I'm tired today and do not feel like posting much of a blog. It's been a very long week. Between Asthma, Allergies and broken arms, our little family has donated it's fair share of time to Doctors Offices, Emergency Rooms and Pharmacies since Saturday. SO - 'Wordless Wednesday' has been postponed until today - these are from our weekend at the Valley. Enjoy!

I love to make people laugh. I think it’s just ingrained in me to give people a reason to guffaw, chuckle, chortle, rofl, or lmao. I am also one of those people who – no matter how very hard I try not to – I DO care what other people think and the highest compliments someone can give me is: a.) I think you are so smart! Or b.) I think you are so funny! So for my sister to comment and say she had tears rolling down her cheeks laughing because of my last blog – I was extremely flattered! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, keep it coming!

We are off to the Valley this weekend. I am planning on getting LOTS of photos so Wordless Wednesday next week may be quite picturesque. At least I’m hoping it will. I’m just happy to be getting THE HECK OUT OF HERE for a while. Yes, I was yelling that part.

So – my smiles and I leave you until Tuesday.

My son. He is learning to do laundry and he actually LIKES it !?!?
Making people laugh. Explanation above.
A good book. I’m reading a good one now! I’ll probably add a great book list to the side margin – this will definitely be included.
Thursday after weigh-in. Yep, I was up. Nope, I’m not all that upset because I wasn’t up all that much and I blew it big this week. But I’ve decided – the Thursday after weigh-in is cheat night. I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty. Of course, last night it was (yes I know it sounds gross) pizza, tater tots and spaghetti! MMmmm I could feel the carbs hit my thighs.
Sabrina. During weigh in we got these sample little Weight Watcher bars. I was really really hungry because of course I hadn’t eaten hardly anything all day because of the dreaded weigh in so when I got in my car to leave, I opened it and ate it immediately and then felt guilty and then didn’t because it was, after all, Thursday Night Cheat Night. And then I though of Bebe – my thoughts went something like this “SHE probably still has her little fruit bar. SHE probably will wait until after a sensible dinner or maybe have it as a bedtime snack. SHE probably won’t eat hers so fast that she has a hard time swallowing because she shoved nearly the whole thing in her mouth. I wonder if SHE will think it tasted kinda like cardboard with fruit bits pushed down into it.” So just a little bit later, SHE calls:

Bebe: Babe, did you eat your fruit bar yet? (Thought: Great, she’s going to hold me accountable and I cannot lie to her)
Babe: YEP. Surrre did!
Bebe: Me too, it was gone by the time I made it to Highway N.
Babe: At least you made it that far. Mine was gone before I pulled out of the parking lot.

I have been advised to keep my blog happy and funny instead of maudlin and intense. In response to said recommendation, it will depend upon my mood as to if a funny and happy blog is recorded. As we’ve already established, my mood is not always chipper and positive. But I’m working on it. I really am.

I have been banned from going to a few places close to work during lunchtime because if I frequent these preferred merchandisers during my half-hour of midday freedom, I am always late. Always. So I have to go after work. Yesterday, it was The Goodwiller. Go with me here – you’ll understand the -er in a moment. That’s the funny part. I sometimes shop at the Goodwiller since the kids grow out of pants in an hour. And for this reason, I also refuse to spend a ton of money on jeans. I can save a lot of money and buy gently used brand name stuff and the most expensive piece of clothing I bought was $6 and it was for Ambercrombie pants. Ta Da!

The Goodwiller is also full of other good stuff and I love to just roam around, look at all the junk (ahem) good stuff. Sometimes they have really good stuff and it’s new! Store tags on still!!

So yesterday, I am just meandering up and down the aisles and I’m thinking to myself, I love the Goodwiller. And that got me thinking. Why do I call it Goodwiller? I think it is my mom’s fault. So I called my mom. Here’s the conversation. Keep in mind this is over the “loud speaker” while my dad is in the background talking on his cellphone on his “loud speaker” and my sister is there texting me dirty messages that really come out not dirty because her predictive text changes dirty words to clean words. FYI: Sabrina is Bebe. I (Catrina) am Babe.

Bebe: BABE. Where are you? Are you coming over to moms?
Babe: No I’m not coming over to moms, I was at the Goodwiller and I am on my way home now.
Bebe: Didn’t you get my message?
Babe: What message? Did you text?
Bebe: No, I sent you an e-mail.
Babe: What time?
Bebe: Hell-O. 4:30!
Babe: I didn’t get it.
Bebe: Maybe you should get your e-mail more often.
Babe: I got it as I was leaving at FIVE and there were not ANY messages from you.
Bebe: I got Outlook now. Why do all your e-mails ask for a read receipt?
Babe: I have it set up that way.
More conversation on the read receipt and why I have it set up that way and why do I even bother when the reader can say NO.
Bebe (to Aunt Emma on dad’s cell phone): Hi Aunt Emma.
Aunt Emma: HI Sabrina
Babe (to Aunt Emma on dad’s cell phone): Hi Aunt Emma.
Aunt Emma: WHAT?
Dad: That was Catrina, she says Hi.
Aunt Emma: OH HI Catrina.
Babe: How are you?
Silence.
Silence.
Babe: Hello?
Babe: Hello?
End Call

TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM BEBE CELL: DITCH.
TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM MOM CELL: 636577****
TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM MOM CELL: Citch bunt. (Obviously penned by Bebe)

Ring Ring:
Bebe: Why did you hang up on me?
Babe: I didn’t hang up on YOU. I hung up after I couldn’t hear anything
Bebe: Did you get my text message?
Babe: Yes I did. You can go ‘sips’ up a rope.
Bebe: Did you get moms text message?
Babe: Yep, She’s going to make me a bunt cake.
Bebe (to mom) NOW she thinks you’re going to make her a bunt cake.
Mom: I don’t even know HOW to text. That wasn’t from me.
Bebe: So where are you?
Babe: I was at the Goodwiller.
Bebe: Why were you at the Goodwill?
Babe: Buying jeans for Lizzie and Sam.
Bebe: Hopefully it wasn’t any of the pants I just gave to Goodwill.
Babe: Me too. Why do we call it the Goodwiller? Who started that?
Bebe: I don’t call it the Goodwiller.
Mom: I don’t remember. I think it was Sam. NO wait, it was Lizzie. NO wait! It was you [Babe] that started it. I overheard you one day talking to John (our old dog) who was being bad or something (probably crapped in the family room again) and you told him if he wasn’t good, mom was going to give him to the Goodwiller.

Conversation went on from there. I think there was more conversation within this dialog, but the gist of the entire thing – it took me two phone calls (actually three because Bebe hung up on me trying to get me on the speaker phone), three texts and about 15 minutes to get the answer to my question.

SMILES:

Anticipation of the LONG weekend!
Photos.
Family.
Good days.
Tater tots.

My doctor has told me in the past to stay off webmd.com. Simply because I try to diagnose myself and of course more oft than not, I am completely wrong. Here are my past incorrect diagnosis’: (WHAT is the plural of diagnosis? Diagnoses, diagnosises??)

• Lock Jaw
• Stroke
• Heart Attack
• Fractured Foot
• Pneumonia
• Diabetes
• Brain tumor

Now, mind you this has been over the past ten years or so - NO I am NOT a hypochondriac. I just get these weird symptoms sometimes that are truly nothing at all to worry about until I go to … (drum roll) THE SYMPTOM CHECKER. For God’s sake, have you ever checked symptoms on there? I am POSITIVE I am not the only one who misdiagnosed herself with something major after being on there. Hence – the doctor’s statement “Catrina. DO NOT go on webmd.com EVER again.” Or something to that effect.

But I often wonder if one particular diagnosis was correct. I worry, truly worry, that I suffer from clinical depression. Sometimes I get in these moods that I just can’t get out of. I know, everyone gets down and I know, everyone has problems – most of them a lot worse than my problems. I’ve heard it all and it makes me all the more depressed. Is that why 80% of American people today are on some sort of anti-depressant? Is that why the CDC says anti-depressants are the most commonly prescribed medication? There’s a book out there called “Artificial Unhappiness: The Dark Side of the New Happy Class” by Dr. Dworkin or something like that. In it, he says “Too many people take drugs when they really need to be making changes in their lives." I don’t want to be on an anti-depressant and I don’t want to be a statistic. Is it a inherited? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I just friggin’ sad?

I do know of some changes I need to make. I need to get back with God. And I honestly believe that right there is the sole (soul) problem. I think there really are people that suffer from chemical imbalances that need the prescriptions, etc. but I also think, after thinking it through-typing it out really-that I am not one of them. God needs to be first in my life again. I have much that has drifted in front of Him, some knowingly and some unknowingly. I need to remember this whole thing about life - it is not about ME. I was reading a book yesterday and one statement in particular jumped out at me so much that for the first time in a very long time, I reached for a highlighter along with a pen and paper so I could remember it, write it down and dwell on it.

“For only if we let Him in, can He pull us out”.

Out of the muck and mire of our world. Out of the depths of despair that sometimes overtake us because we live in a fallen world that is completely selfish, imperfect and all about self self self and why self isn’t getting what self deserves. Looking at it that why, no wonder 80% of the population needs an outside resource to be seen as happy and well adjusted! If self got what self REALLY deserves according the Bible, self would be rotting in The Sulfur Pit also knows as H-E-double hockey sticks.

Wow. And try to make a smile list after that. HA

1. Enlightenment. It’s good to know I’m not suffering from clinical depression.
2. Cucumbers. My pastor gave me a HUGE bag of cucumbers and I’ve nearly made myself sick.
3. My brother. I haven’t talked to him in a few days but I think I’ve said it before. He’s the kind of guy I need in my life when I need to hear the truth. It’s not always what I want to hear. Not some trumped up, nerve-soothing speech but the honest truth, which sometimes I really do not WANT to hear but NEED to. Example “Catrina – no wonder you feel like your life is screwed up right now, IT IS! Get back to God where you belong!”
4. Weather. Again, it’s beautiful.
5. Hope. ‘Nuf said.

I leave you with another highlighted portion of my book…

His will, or yours?

My good friend Elizabeth has a blogroll. She has a list of interesting & friends blogs on the margin of her blog. She included me in her list so maybe...just maybe...I'll score some more traffic. I love reading other peoples blogs but especially when I know more about that person. In that tradition, I've decided to start my own blogroll. Of course, I only have three at the moment: Elizabeth's and my Aunts and Stef's, but I'm not sure she still blogs. For any new people that happen upon my pages. Comment - tell me what you like/think, I'll add you to the blogroll and we can become Blog Buddies. How cute is that?

Also, some smiles from the past few days, but without the lengthy explanations. These are just things that made me smile:
1. THE WEEKEND!
2. A vegetable garden
3. Cardinals Baseball
4. A long family bike ride
5. A mulberry bush
6. My family
7. My friends
8. Sleeping late
9. Lazy days
10. BEAUTIFUL weather!

Remember when I said I was going to write Lizzie a letter for her 10th birthday? Well, as busy as we got I was never able to do that for her. I did write one over the course of this past week and I've finished it and plan on giving it to her this weekend. I folded it up like back when we used to pass notes in Junior High and wrote on the outside and everything. I'm absolutely sure she will love it and cherish it - well, I hope she will. So instead of a smile list today, I've dediced to post a copy of her letter. Of course, this is the typed version - I wrote hers by hand. Seems more personal this way. Tell me what you think...